Gambling Jokes - Casino Pimp

GAMBLING JOKES

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> The Mute - A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

> Mary Lou - A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

> Bill Gates chooses heaven or hell - Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: you see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says: I'm a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says: hey, what the heck is this, i saw all the gambling, the women, and sex? The devil says: 'that was just a demo version."

> Dog poker - Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a great dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? a dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked cards!"

> Dog's hand - A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" the player smiled and said, "he isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

> Little old lady bets the bank - A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "in what form?" and the little old lady says, "cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. for example, i've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and i'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" the bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what i'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though i'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! wWo might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. for a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so i guess Iwin!" he said happily. "not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the president of the Chase Manhattan bank by the balls by noon today."

> Lottery guy - A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask god for help. He begins to pray... "god, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "god, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "my God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this! Buy a ticket."

> The blonde and the two dealers - Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "what did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

> The marriage bet - There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you won't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

> The tip - A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, when I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" the dealer said. "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

> Angry Old Women - Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

> Professional Gambler - During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

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